The holidays have passed and the routine of every day life has set back in. I love to celebrate the holidays Christmas is so special to me and my family we really sort of celebrate the entire month of December ending of course with the New Year celebration. This year was no exception we had a wonderful time together and I am so thankful.
Because of the loss of our son, DJ I am always keenly aware of families that have had a recent loss. In fact during this season I have heard of six people who passed away. As I was preparing for last minute gifts and plans for the holidays I was absolutley struck by the contrast of joyous celebration and the deep pain and grief of death during this time.
I have been praying of course for these precious families, some have expererienced the loss of a young person, some the loss of a grandparent, a mother. My heart grieves for them.
I remember how difficult it was during the spring of 1995, Easter drew near and the children were of course getting excited. Churches prepared to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus I remember feeling at times that everything, all celebration should cease at least for that first year but I knew that Easter would indeed arrive and that it was good after all we were celebrating the very source of eternal life and acknowledging what God has done for us!
I felt as though I would betray my son if I really allowed myself to celebrate but as we went through the motions of coloring eggs and preparing baskets, I began to focus on Jesus and slowly God began a work in me. I saw crocuses peeping through the soil, white blossoms beginning on some trees, hope began to also spring up in me. Jesus is all about new life, new beginnings.
I began to let myself hear the birds singing and although my heart was still very heavy there was hope and hope brings forth healing.
My prayer for these families is that during the Christmas season Jesus was let in to their hearts, just a small seed is all it takes, He will be faithful to cause healing and to bring comfort, He will reveal truth and encompass them with peace.
O precious Lord, bless and keep them, surround them with your perfect love, carry them through this dark time and bring them once again into your healing presence. I love You Lord and I am so thankful for all You have brought us through, I pray you bless these families in exactly the way You know will strengthen them.
Thank you Father, in the Name above every name; Jesus
Friday, December 17, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
All the pieces
I find myself reflective this morning, sitting here at my computer early in the morning, it is a cold winters day, Dec. 13th.
As I work on my laptop I sit at my little kitchen table next to the window. Today I can hear the wind blowing and I occassionally look up to admire the swaying trees. It's funny how I watch the seasons from this window how many years now? sixteen. As I write today, December of 2010 change is coming and I am feeling the cold of winter
Typically at this time of year as Christmas approaches I am pretty joyous in celebrating my saviors birth as I have said before there is a small piece of me that longs to celebrate with my DJ too. How I wish we were all together....
My emtotions are running high, Derek will be leaving in three weeks and my heart can hardly stand it and I begin to miss him although he is still present. I find myself saying the same words I have spoken before; "just focus on the present he is still with us right now." Staying in the here and now I think is more difficult for women, men seem to compartmentalize to a higher degree than women, they can soley focus on what they are doing at the time, women connect everything together and really have to work at seperating what they are truly feeling about the current situation, sometimes we can get lost in emotion. I for one have learned to write my thoughts down, this has been an indespensible tool for understanding my emotions.
So, Derek is leaving home, he is leaving Georgia and he is moving across the country 3,000 miles away. I am quite mixed in my emotions I will miss him tremendously. I am also excited for them, I know Rachel needs to be where her industry is and it will be good for her. I will just miss them so much. The telephone and skype are wonderful tools to stay connected and do bring a level of comfort but my struggle is truly of this seperation, when he went to Toccoa Falls it wasn't that bad, I cried of course but we settled down and saw each other enough that we were still connected, this however is truly "leaving". UGH, I feel sick.... only one thing to do and I know it very well, I suspect I will have to keep going to the Father about this until finally peace comes in like a warm fire.
As I write I realize I must surrender, I always do end up comming back to this - surrender. My life is not my own, when I became born-again I died to self and became a new creation in Christ Jesus. So if I live, I live in Christ and if I die, I die in Christ.
I know that sounds dramatic and it is. when Jesus laid down His life for me it was to take away my sin and He accomplished this incredible work at the cross but Jesus did not stay on the cross, nor did He stay in that grave. He rose from the grave and He is alive forever more. Jesus Christ the Son of God. This is so amazing He is alive, and He promised to all of us who believe in Him eternal life and the life is IN HIM!!!
God has provided for us salvation....and power. When Jesus ascended to the Father in heaven He promised a helper would come and He did, Holy Spirit filled the people who believed in Jesus so that we would truly be born-again! We are made NEW! I am a new creation and that is why my life is not my own.
So, I ask my Lord; "help me through this time Lord, direct my mind, my heart and emotions. Strengthen me where I am weak and humble me where I am prideful. I ask for Your will Lord, not my own because I trust You, I love You, You and You alone are worthy of all honor and praise!
I give Derek to You Father, I fully trust You to keep him and protect him and I know You have plans for Derek's life, they are good plans and I will rejoice knowing he also loves You! Bless Derek and Rachel Lord God, keep them in Your perfect care."
And there you have it the whole picture of me surrendering myself to the Lord. This is a continual process, as I said before quoting the Apostle Paul, "I die daily."
One day I will see the tapestry of life as a finished incredible piece of art, but for now I am a piece in the puzzle, I fit perfectly where the Lord has chosen, Dan, DJ, Derek and Dave all fit perfectly too and I can rest and be confident in that becasue God is faithful!
As I work on my laptop I sit at my little kitchen table next to the window. Today I can hear the wind blowing and I occassionally look up to admire the swaying trees. It's funny how I watch the seasons from this window how many years now? sixteen. As I write today, December of 2010 change is coming and I am feeling the cold of winter
Typically at this time of year as Christmas approaches I am pretty joyous in celebrating my saviors birth as I have said before there is a small piece of me that longs to celebrate with my DJ too. How I wish we were all together....
My emtotions are running high, Derek will be leaving in three weeks and my heart can hardly stand it and I begin to miss him although he is still present. I find myself saying the same words I have spoken before; "just focus on the present he is still with us right now." Staying in the here and now I think is more difficult for women, men seem to compartmentalize to a higher degree than women, they can soley focus on what they are doing at the time, women connect everything together and really have to work at seperating what they are truly feeling about the current situation, sometimes we can get lost in emotion. I for one have learned to write my thoughts down, this has been an indespensible tool for understanding my emotions.
So, Derek is leaving home, he is leaving Georgia and he is moving across the country 3,000 miles away. I am quite mixed in my emotions I will miss him tremendously. I am also excited for them, I know Rachel needs to be where her industry is and it will be good for her. I will just miss them so much. The telephone and skype are wonderful tools to stay connected and do bring a level of comfort but my struggle is truly of this seperation, when he went to Toccoa Falls it wasn't that bad, I cried of course but we settled down and saw each other enough that we were still connected, this however is truly "leaving". UGH, I feel sick.... only one thing to do and I know it very well, I suspect I will have to keep going to the Father about this until finally peace comes in like a warm fire.
As I write I realize I must surrender, I always do end up comming back to this - surrender. My life is not my own, when I became born-again I died to self and became a new creation in Christ Jesus. So if I live, I live in Christ and if I die, I die in Christ.
I know that sounds dramatic and it is. when Jesus laid down His life for me it was to take away my sin and He accomplished this incredible work at the cross but Jesus did not stay on the cross, nor did He stay in that grave. He rose from the grave and He is alive forever more. Jesus Christ the Son of God. This is so amazing He is alive, and He promised to all of us who believe in Him eternal life and the life is IN HIM!!!
God has provided for us salvation....and power. When Jesus ascended to the Father in heaven He promised a helper would come and He did, Holy Spirit filled the people who believed in Jesus so that we would truly be born-again! We are made NEW! I am a new creation and that is why my life is not my own.
So, I ask my Lord; "help me through this time Lord, direct my mind, my heart and emotions. Strengthen me where I am weak and humble me where I am prideful. I ask for Your will Lord, not my own because I trust You, I love You, You and You alone are worthy of all honor and praise!
I give Derek to You Father, I fully trust You to keep him and protect him and I know You have plans for Derek's life, they are good plans and I will rejoice knowing he also loves You! Bless Derek and Rachel Lord God, keep them in Your perfect care."
And there you have it the whole picture of me surrendering myself to the Lord. This is a continual process, as I said before quoting the Apostle Paul, "I die daily."
One day I will see the tapestry of life as a finished incredible piece of art, but for now I am a piece in the puzzle, I fit perfectly where the Lord has chosen, Dan, DJ, Derek and Dave all fit perfectly too and I can rest and be confident in that becasue God is faithful!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
working to complete the new edition of Mourning to Morning
Well the time has come for completion! This weekend Cheryl and I are going to steal away two days for writing and organizing the final version of the book! I am so excited! Dan has written a whole chapter and I feel that the book will finally be a work I am 100% proud of.
I have had many friends ask for the new version and the local bookstore ask for a completion date. I hope to have a final product by the new year!
I think the timing is perfect, the mountains will be a place that we can fully concentrate, I am anticipating lots of reading, writing and crying. Christmas is always emotional for me (or at least the time leading up to it) because I have many memories of DJ just before his final surgery at Christmas time.
He told me he was going to miss us and that Jesus told him he was going to come to Him soon, that was right here where I am currently sitting in my kitchen. so sweet are the memories and at the same time a sadness comes. I remember so well, I also remember making Christmas cookies and decorations, I remember Christmas carols and family time. Three little ones comes with lots of excitement at Christmas.
I love you Deej, you are always in my heart!
"Lord help me to finish well"
Linda
I have had many friends ask for the new version and the local bookstore ask for a completion date. I hope to have a final product by the new year!
I think the timing is perfect, the mountains will be a place that we can fully concentrate, I am anticipating lots of reading, writing and crying. Christmas is always emotional for me (or at least the time leading up to it) because I have many memories of DJ just before his final surgery at Christmas time.
He told me he was going to miss us and that Jesus told him he was going to come to Him soon, that was right here where I am currently sitting in my kitchen. so sweet are the memories and at the same time a sadness comes. I remember so well, I also remember making Christmas cookies and decorations, I remember Christmas carols and family time. Three little ones comes with lots of excitement at Christmas.
I love you Deej, you are always in my heart!
"Lord help me to finish well"
Linda
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Trip to visit Dad
Labor Day brought my husband, sons; Derek and David and me to New Mexico to visit my Father. It was a special time and I felt really good about us making the trek.
While we were flying over the Rockies, for a layover in Colorado I was struck with the timelessness of the rockies, of the sky and the heavens. At one point I just started to get so emotionally full thinking about the greatness of God and how mighty our God is. How awesome to know He has created all things and by Him all things are held toegther! I felt prepared for the second leg of the trip and I loved having my three guys with me.
We arrived in Alburqurque greeted by a typical day of sunshine and breezes, I forgot how brown everything is there even though it is the dessert, we picked up our car and checked into the hotel, then off we drove to see Dad.
When we arrived at the house Dad and family came outside to greet us and we sat around for a while and chatted. Dad looked suprisingly well and didn't hesitate to show us his newest war wound; an extensive scar from just under his collar bone to below the sternum. I couldn't believe how well he had healed. Dad is 77 years old, third heart attack and a diabetic so I was expecting a pretty down and out guy. Ha, I should have known better, he is afighter that's for sure and a joker all the way.
Some how through the jokes and converstaion I could sense that he was assesing his life and wondering what the future holds. His wife Claire is also quite ill with cancer and undergoing chemo for the second time. the prognosis isn't good. Dad cried several times and couldn't finish his thoughts at times because emotions overtook him. It was odd seeing this man who was tough as nails revealing his inner man to us, fear of the unknown was gripping his heart. We tried to assure him we were there for him and if he wanted or needed to move in with us we would arrange it but you know at one point Dad looked at those mountains and again with tears in his eyes said. " I love seeing those mountains". I don't think he will ever move to Georgia to be with us, I think he wants to stay in New Mexico. That was a good realization for me.
Dad is such and interesting fellow, he was and is a character, a ladies man, carefree in so many ways. A blue collar worker, an entreprenaur, a fighter, sportsman, and warrior. Independent in everyway and when he makes a decision he sticks with it right wrong or indifferent. Sometimes now he looks back and has regrets but you know I told him, "Dad, you did what you thought you had to do. We all make mistakes don't we? No one is perfect, letting go of these things is so important to having peace."
It seems to me the things Dad is really thinking about right now is how many people did he help during his life, what did he contribute to others. He told us some stories of letters he had received lately from men that once years ago Dad had encouraged or helped in some way, they were letters of thanks, I am happy to say he was and is an encourager and he would give you the shirt off his back. Dad didn't have the opportunity to go to school but he is a smart man, he is a researcher and once he says he is going to master something he doesn't quit until it is mastered. But he is most delighted in the people he touched, I guess we all get to this point in our lives and I believe we really all come to the same conclusion; How well did I love others?
I didn't know my dad that well growing up, little time periods here and there and then spent two months with him when I was sixteen. We didn't really stay in contact until I was married and had my boys. Then I read in scripture that I was supposed to honor my Father and Mother and so I decided to make ammends. I am so glad that I did. The past 20 years have been a blessing to me and my family, as I look at the man who just had triple by-pass heart surgery I can honestly say I think he is a special man and I am thankful God made me his daughter. I hope and pray we have him around a long time still, I pray he truly comes to know Jesus as Lord and Savior before he leaves this earth because I want to really know him, I want to have all of eternity to truly know my dad to spend endless days listening to his stories and hearing him laugh. Won't that be awesome!
While we were flying over the Rockies, for a layover in Colorado I was struck with the timelessness of the rockies, of the sky and the heavens. At one point I just started to get so emotionally full thinking about the greatness of God and how mighty our God is. How awesome to know He has created all things and by Him all things are held toegther! I felt prepared for the second leg of the trip and I loved having my three guys with me.
We arrived in Alburqurque greeted by a typical day of sunshine and breezes, I forgot how brown everything is there even though it is the dessert, we picked up our car and checked into the hotel, then off we drove to see Dad.
When we arrived at the house Dad and family came outside to greet us and we sat around for a while and chatted. Dad looked suprisingly well and didn't hesitate to show us his newest war wound; an extensive scar from just under his collar bone to below the sternum. I couldn't believe how well he had healed. Dad is 77 years old, third heart attack and a diabetic so I was expecting a pretty down and out guy. Ha, I should have known better, he is afighter that's for sure and a joker all the way.
Some how through the jokes and converstaion I could sense that he was assesing his life and wondering what the future holds. His wife Claire is also quite ill with cancer and undergoing chemo for the second time. the prognosis isn't good. Dad cried several times and couldn't finish his thoughts at times because emotions overtook him. It was odd seeing this man who was tough as nails revealing his inner man to us, fear of the unknown was gripping his heart. We tried to assure him we were there for him and if he wanted or needed to move in with us we would arrange it but you know at one point Dad looked at those mountains and again with tears in his eyes said. " I love seeing those mountains". I don't think he will ever move to Georgia to be with us, I think he wants to stay in New Mexico. That was a good realization for me.
Dad is such and interesting fellow, he was and is a character, a ladies man, carefree in so many ways. A blue collar worker, an entreprenaur, a fighter, sportsman, and warrior. Independent in everyway and when he makes a decision he sticks with it right wrong or indifferent. Sometimes now he looks back and has regrets but you know I told him, "Dad, you did what you thought you had to do. We all make mistakes don't we? No one is perfect, letting go of these things is so important to having peace."
It seems to me the things Dad is really thinking about right now is how many people did he help during his life, what did he contribute to others. He told us some stories of letters he had received lately from men that once years ago Dad had encouraged or helped in some way, they were letters of thanks, I am happy to say he was and is an encourager and he would give you the shirt off his back. Dad didn't have the opportunity to go to school but he is a smart man, he is a researcher and once he says he is going to master something he doesn't quit until it is mastered. But he is most delighted in the people he touched, I guess we all get to this point in our lives and I believe we really all come to the same conclusion; How well did I love others?
I didn't know my dad that well growing up, little time periods here and there and then spent two months with him when I was sixteen. We didn't really stay in contact until I was married and had my boys. Then I read in scripture that I was supposed to honor my Father and Mother and so I decided to make ammends. I am so glad that I did. The past 20 years have been a blessing to me and my family, as I look at the man who just had triple by-pass heart surgery I can honestly say I think he is a special man and I am thankful God made me his daughter. I hope and pray we have him around a long time still, I pray he truly comes to know Jesus as Lord and Savior before he leaves this earth because I want to really know him, I want to have all of eternity to truly know my dad to spend endless days listening to his stories and hearing him laugh. Won't that be awesome!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Rainy Days
Sometimes my emotions are stormy, my thoughts can hit like lightening a memory that sparks an emotional whirlwind. For the last few days there has been rain, heavy rain pounding down into the ground, water relentlessly beating down as though demanding entrance. Adamantly storming one day, two days and now three days.
I don't want to venture out because it's pouring; "raining cats and dogs". The weather can have such an effect on us especially when it's raining, it makes one want to stay inside and this can bring a time of introspection.
It just so happens during the last couple of days along with the rain it seems once more my family and I are facing the possibility loss, my dad had to have emergency open heart surgery, a triple by-pass.
Thankfully he pulled through but we all must face the fact that this is his third heart attack, having diabetes and reaching 76 years all adds up to a wake up call, time to go see dad. So, I am looking for tickets and trying to arrange schedules and praying for dad and his family so far away
.
I think of looking into his eyes and hearing his laugh, his contagious laugh and seeing his great smile and it makes me smile too.
We haven't had the time we wanted together but no matter, the time gone by, it is the time in front of us that matters most now. I am praying we all get to see him and spend time with him. So I turn my attention to the truth, he is alive right now and for that I am deeply grateful. It is not a time to mourn, the rain has stopped and I see the sun peeking through.
My dad, Dan O'Connor is a fantastic man, full of ideas and life, a true entrepreneur in every sense of the word. He is one of those larger than life fellows. Never rich in the worlds terms but he sure touches a lot of people. Dad is an encourager, I can hear him say, "Go get'em tiger", or "you can do anything you set your mind to" to my boys Derek and David. He calls my husband fantastic Dan because he says Dan could change the world and you know I think he is right! Than again he would would say that to you too if you met him and you know I think he would be right about that too!
Blessings, Linda
I don't want to venture out because it's pouring; "raining cats and dogs". The weather can have such an effect on us especially when it's raining, it makes one want to stay inside and this can bring a time of introspection.
It just so happens during the last couple of days along with the rain it seems once more my family and I are facing the possibility loss, my dad had to have emergency open heart surgery, a triple by-pass.
Thankfully he pulled through but we all must face the fact that this is his third heart attack, having diabetes and reaching 76 years all adds up to a wake up call, time to go see dad. So, I am looking for tickets and trying to arrange schedules and praying for dad and his family so far away
.
I think of looking into his eyes and hearing his laugh, his contagious laugh and seeing his great smile and it makes me smile too.
We haven't had the time we wanted together but no matter, the time gone by, it is the time in front of us that matters most now. I am praying we all get to see him and spend time with him. So I turn my attention to the truth, he is alive right now and for that I am deeply grateful. It is not a time to mourn, the rain has stopped and I see the sun peeking through.
My dad, Dan O'Connor is a fantastic man, full of ideas and life, a true entrepreneur in every sense of the word. He is one of those larger than life fellows. Never rich in the worlds terms but he sure touches a lot of people. Dad is an encourager, I can hear him say, "Go get'em tiger", or "you can do anything you set your mind to" to my boys Derek and David. He calls my husband fantastic Dan because he says Dan could change the world and you know I think he is right! Than again he would would say that to you too if you met him and you know I think he would be right about that too!
Blessings, Linda
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted
when Jesus was speaking to this vast audience He spoke directly to their need, and because His Word is living and active, it speaks to you and me today in just the same way as it did over 2000 years ago, read these precious words:
Blessed are the poor in spirit (one who is broken, who is destitute of spirit) for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (A promise with eternal surety)
Blessed are the gentle( the meek and humble, those who have realized they need a Savior and that their own righteousness is not enough), for they shall inherit the earth.This is the new perfect beautiful earth!
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad , for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
These my friends are promises straight from the mouth of Jesus. His perspective was a heavenly, eternal one.
When I start to focus too intensely on the hurts and pains the sufferings of this world I go back to my Lord, His words are life, hope and light. I remember His promises which are sure and true!
This is not the final destination, our home, our eternal home is yet to come for us. God knows it all, He understands our hurt and pain and He is with us through it.
The Lord gave us these promises so that we would not lose heart. Great and awesome things are just on the horizon!
Be blessed and walk in peace and assurance today my friend. God is faithful to complete His promises!
Love, Linda
Blessed are the poor in spirit (one who is broken, who is destitute of spirit) for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (A promise with eternal surety)
Blessed are the gentle( the meek and humble, those who have realized they need a Savior and that their own righteousness is not enough), for they shall inherit the earth.This is the new perfect beautiful earth!
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad , for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
These my friends are promises straight from the mouth of Jesus. His perspective was a heavenly, eternal one.
When I start to focus too intensely on the hurts and pains the sufferings of this world I go back to my Lord, His words are life, hope and light. I remember His promises which are sure and true!
This is not the final destination, our home, our eternal home is yet to come for us. God knows it all, He understands our hurt and pain and He is with us through it.
The Lord gave us these promises so that we would not lose heart. Great and awesome things are just on the horizon!
Be blessed and walk in peace and assurance today my friend. God is faithful to complete His promises!
Love, Linda
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Every day matters!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life... what I choose to do with it is up to me. Life doesn't happen to me, I am in control of how I react or how I choose to deal with situations.
When I have a dream like I did last night; a dream about DJ and it isn't the best dream I can choose to dwell on the dream or I can choose to dismiss it and purposely set my mind on the truth. Yes there it is again, truth. You will see this word, this very profound word again and again throughout my writings. God's truth is my foundation and my plumb-line. If it doesn't line up I throw it out.
King David and then King Solomon said knowledge puffs up but wisdom gives life! Wisdom is from God He alone is Creator and Sustainer, no one tells God what to do, He doesn't inquire of me or you, He isn't perplexed over anyone or any situation. He is GOD Almighty. He is Abba, Papa, Daddy and He knows what we are facing even right at this moment in time, He is present and He is willing to comfort, to change wrong thinking to reveal truth to set us free. God continually calls to us; "Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest". Rest doesn't that sound good?
Yes Papa, I will rest in You today because I know You are Faithful and True! I love You, Linda
When I have a dream like I did last night; a dream about DJ and it isn't the best dream I can choose to dwell on the dream or I can choose to dismiss it and purposely set my mind on the truth. Yes there it is again, truth. You will see this word, this very profound word again and again throughout my writings. God's truth is my foundation and my plumb-line. If it doesn't line up I throw it out.
King David and then King Solomon said knowledge puffs up but wisdom gives life! Wisdom is from God He alone is Creator and Sustainer, no one tells God what to do, He doesn't inquire of me or you, He isn't perplexed over anyone or any situation. He is GOD Almighty. He is Abba, Papa, Daddy and He knows what we are facing even right at this moment in time, He is present and He is willing to comfort, to change wrong thinking to reveal truth to set us free. God continually calls to us; "Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest". Rest doesn't that sound good?
Yes Papa, I will rest in You today because I know You are Faithful and True! I love You, Linda
Thursday, August 5, 2010
When my heart aches...
Some times I just miss him, my desire to see DJ again, to hear him, to touch him. I miss him and my heart aches.
The day was fine in fact it was a good, productive and lively, an all around good day! I came home and suddenly realized that I missed my dog Abby who used to great me every time I came through the door no matter how many times a day. Abby left us just two months ago, she was a part of our family for 16 years. I walked up the stairs and into my room, hello's were spoken to Dan and Dave and I changed into Pj's and then realized, I miss Abby but I also miss my Deej. I wish I could walk into his room and sit on the bed and talk to him I thought, sadness filled my heart and tears my eyes. I tried to shake it off and start thinking of tasks but as I went to the kitchen to begin dinner I remembered how this has happened before; relating one loss to another, it was Derek our oldest son.
When Derek moved out four years ago I felt that same sense of loss, I worked very hard to ensure Derek didn't feel my sadness after all going away to college is fun and exciting and I wanted to make sure he didn't feel the depth of sadness I was feeling. I tried my best, I thought of every great aspect of Derek beginning his new life, spreading his wings and I really was excited and happy for him but oh my it was a huge emotional hurdle for me and I know it was a challenging time in reality for all of us. The first month was ok, even though I cried like every mom the day we brought him to the dorm and said our good-byes. I really missed him, just knowing he was sleeping in his bed gave me a deep sense of peace at night and now I had to work really hard when I started feeling like he was "gone" to remember he was just at college, not gone as in never to see him on earth. I had to speak the truth to myself.
I remember one day though about eight months after Derek had gone to college. I didn't hear from him for about a month and then he called and said "hi mom" and I lost it! I cried and cried, poor Derek my precious tender hearted son said, "mom I'm coming home this weekend!". It was almost comical because as soon as he said those words I realized I was transferring my grief my sense of loss from deep within my heart to Derek because he was away at college, and I started apologizing and saying, "no, I'm really fine you don't need to come home". He came home anyway and just held me when he came through the door, I cried and he said, "mom, I miss you too it's ok, you don't have to apologize for missing me."
I guess this entire blog is about real life - Grief is in my heart because I love my DJ and I always will, I do miss him and when other events in life happen they perhaps evoke emotions from deep within. I don't stay in this place, I certainly don't walk around thinking of how much I miss DJ every day but the truth is for the rest of my life here on earth I will miss him, Dan will miss him and his brothers will think of the place DJ should be. Life itself will remind all of us of his absence.
We continue on though, we live life and look forward to the future. I am excited for Derek and for David and REALLY look forward to the days ahead for them, marriage, families it will be so very sweet and during those times a part of me will miss DJ that is just the truth. I will remember DJ is very aware of all that is happening here on earth and will be celebrating right along with us, he will be cheering us on!
I will hold onto the truths that I know from God's word, His promises and rest in His Faithfulness. One day we will be reunited and all will be well and for now I can say, it is well with my soul.
The day was fine in fact it was a good, productive and lively, an all around good day! I came home and suddenly realized that I missed my dog Abby who used to great me every time I came through the door no matter how many times a day. Abby left us just two months ago, she was a part of our family for 16 years. I walked up the stairs and into my room, hello's were spoken to Dan and Dave and I changed into Pj's and then realized, I miss Abby but I also miss my Deej. I wish I could walk into his room and sit on the bed and talk to him I thought, sadness filled my heart and tears my eyes. I tried to shake it off and start thinking of tasks but as I went to the kitchen to begin dinner I remembered how this has happened before; relating one loss to another, it was Derek our oldest son.
When Derek moved out four years ago I felt that same sense of loss, I worked very hard to ensure Derek didn't feel my sadness after all going away to college is fun and exciting and I wanted to make sure he didn't feel the depth of sadness I was feeling. I tried my best, I thought of every great aspect of Derek beginning his new life, spreading his wings and I really was excited and happy for him but oh my it was a huge emotional hurdle for me and I know it was a challenging time in reality for all of us. The first month was ok, even though I cried like every mom the day we brought him to the dorm and said our good-byes. I really missed him, just knowing he was sleeping in his bed gave me a deep sense of peace at night and now I had to work really hard when I started feeling like he was "gone" to remember he was just at college, not gone as in never to see him on earth. I had to speak the truth to myself.
I remember one day though about eight months after Derek had gone to college. I didn't hear from him for about a month and then he called and said "hi mom" and I lost it! I cried and cried, poor Derek my precious tender hearted son said, "mom I'm coming home this weekend!". It was almost comical because as soon as he said those words I realized I was transferring my grief my sense of loss from deep within my heart to Derek because he was away at college, and I started apologizing and saying, "no, I'm really fine you don't need to come home". He came home anyway and just held me when he came through the door, I cried and he said, "mom, I miss you too it's ok, you don't have to apologize for missing me."
I guess this entire blog is about real life - Grief is in my heart because I love my DJ and I always will, I do miss him and when other events in life happen they perhaps evoke emotions from deep within. I don't stay in this place, I certainly don't walk around thinking of how much I miss DJ every day but the truth is for the rest of my life here on earth I will miss him, Dan will miss him and his brothers will think of the place DJ should be. Life itself will remind all of us of his absence.
We continue on though, we live life and look forward to the future. I am excited for Derek and for David and REALLY look forward to the days ahead for them, marriage, families it will be so very sweet and during those times a part of me will miss DJ that is just the truth. I will remember DJ is very aware of all that is happening here on earth and will be celebrating right along with us, he will be cheering us on!
I will hold onto the truths that I know from God's word, His promises and rest in His Faithfulness. One day we will be reunited and all will be well and for now I can say, it is well with my soul.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
We have hope!
Today we may face trials and hardship we may be walking through grief. Everyone on the face of the earth goes through hardship and loss it doesn't matter where you are from what culture the color of your skin it doesn't change based on whether you are rich or poor. This world Jesus said, is full of trials, but He said,"have no fear for I have overcome the world."
What did Jesus mean by this incredible statement? There is so much packed in to that one little sentence.This world... have no fear....
First of all Jesus was saying this world has troubles, problems heartaches, temptations. because the world we live in is not our perfected home and instead is under the curse of sin, there is sickness and death, there are people who are so filled with evil that they commit terrible acts of violence against innocent people. Children are abused, husbands and wives are unfaithful to each other this world is filled with trouble just turn the news on! Earthquakes and tsunamis, famine and floods suffering all over the world.
Here is the same verse taken from the Amplified version of the Bible which gives a more complete interpretation from the Greek to the English - "I have told you these things so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! for I have overcome the world". [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] John 16:33
When Jesus went to the cross it was to pay for the sin (all the sin) of the world, don't forget that the consequences for sin is death, When Jesus died He paid the price for all sin for all time so that there is no longer punishment for sin, Jesus took all the punishment on Himself for us. It is done it is finished! When Jesus died He did not stay on the cross or in the tomb, on the third day He rose, seen by many, many witnesses. What this showed is that Jesus overcame death! When we accepted Jesus as the One who paid the price for our own sin, we step into His everlasting eternal life, we are sealed with the Holy spirit of God and we became as Paul the Apostle said, "More then overcomer's by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony".
So no matter what this world holds for us we can never be separated from the love of God. We have become spiritually alive with Christ and Jesus has made us righteous. We have eternal life and this world is no longer "our home" but we join with the great men and women of Faith listed in Hebrews who looked past this world to the one to come realizing their stay here was short. While our time on earth as a Christian is extremely important it is not the end of the journey, when our bodies die here on earth we are very much alive in the heavenlies where the Glory of God is fully revealed, where our loved ones are and where we see our precious awesome incredible Savior Jesus face to face! Just thinking of looking into His eyes makes my heart beat quicken. Oh the wonders and the unsurpassed greatness that awaits us! Praise God anything this world gives to us is nothing compared to the treasures of heaven!
We do not have to walk in fear because our Jesus has conquered death, He conquered the power of sin and we have come into a right relationship with our Father, God through His Son Jesus Christ, we have been filled with His Spirit and been fully redeemed! Death has no power over us! We go from life to life!
So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:14-16
Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 1 John 4:17-19
Who is the one who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? 1 John 5:4-6
So, you see we must remember who we are in Christ and what He has done for us also where we are going and even where our loved one is right now. Then when the evil one tries to feed you a lie you can stand confidently on the truth - Perfect love casts out fear!
Blessings of love and peace!
Linda
What did Jesus mean by this incredible statement? There is so much packed in to that one little sentence.This world... have no fear....
First of all Jesus was saying this world has troubles, problems heartaches, temptations. because the world we live in is not our perfected home and instead is under the curse of sin, there is sickness and death, there are people who are so filled with evil that they commit terrible acts of violence against innocent people. Children are abused, husbands and wives are unfaithful to each other this world is filled with trouble just turn the news on! Earthquakes and tsunamis, famine and floods suffering all over the world.
Here is the same verse taken from the Amplified version of the Bible which gives a more complete interpretation from the Greek to the English - "I have told you these things so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! for I have overcome the world". [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] John 16:33
When Jesus went to the cross it was to pay for the sin (all the sin) of the world, don't forget that the consequences for sin is death, When Jesus died He paid the price for all sin for all time so that there is no longer punishment for sin, Jesus took all the punishment on Himself for us. It is done it is finished! When Jesus died He did not stay on the cross or in the tomb, on the third day He rose, seen by many, many witnesses. What this showed is that Jesus overcame death! When we accepted Jesus as the One who paid the price for our own sin, we step into His everlasting eternal life, we are sealed with the Holy spirit of God and we became as Paul the Apostle said, "More then overcomer's by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony".
So no matter what this world holds for us we can never be separated from the love of God. We have become spiritually alive with Christ and Jesus has made us righteous. We have eternal life and this world is no longer "our home" but we join with the great men and women of Faith listed in Hebrews who looked past this world to the one to come realizing their stay here was short. While our time on earth as a Christian is extremely important it is not the end of the journey, when our bodies die here on earth we are very much alive in the heavenlies where the Glory of God is fully revealed, where our loved ones are and where we see our precious awesome incredible Savior Jesus face to face! Just thinking of looking into His eyes makes my heart beat quicken. Oh the wonders and the unsurpassed greatness that awaits us! Praise God anything this world gives to us is nothing compared to the treasures of heaven!
We do not have to walk in fear because our Jesus has conquered death, He conquered the power of sin and we have come into a right relationship with our Father, God through His Son Jesus Christ, we have been filled with His Spirit and been fully redeemed! Death has no power over us! We go from life to life!
So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:14-16
Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 1 John 4:17-19
Who is the one who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? 1 John 5:4-6
So, you see we must remember who we are in Christ and what He has done for us also where we are going and even where our loved one is right now. Then when the evil one tries to feed you a lie you can stand confidently on the truth - Perfect love casts out fear!
Blessings of love and peace!
Linda
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Our citizenship is in Heaven
For our citizenship is in Heaven, from which we eagerly await a savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Philippians 3:20
What is Heaven like, Lord? I fear I do not know, I dream of a beautiful, wondrous place where all will see you face to face! I dream of a castle rising high and of cities shining bright and majestic. Awestruck I walk amazed, enjoyment overflowing. I hope for a place beyond my dreams, where angels will someday take me. I’ll meet my Savior Jesus on a golden street, we will embrace He will tenderly call my name, His eyes will captivate my heart, His smile fill me with delight. Then He will lead me by the hand and I will see him, my beautiful son, DJ strong and bold. My soul longs for your arms wrapped around me, my spirit is filled with delight at the thought. Till then I wait, I hope and dream, home, yes home, I know this place; it’s been in my heart all along, beautiful and wondrous, home where I belong.
Beloved, we are God’s children now; it does not yet appear what we shall be, but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. (1John 3:2)
New Bodies:
(1Corinthians 15:49) And just as we have borne the likeness of the earthly man, so shall we bear the likeness of the Man from Heaven.
1Thessalonians 3:14 For if we believe that that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to by way of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep (died) For the Lord Himself will descend from Heaven with a shout , with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort each other with these words.
Isn't it great, awesome and wonderfully incomprehensible that we will (our bodies) rise up from the grave when Christ returns, our bodies will be transformed into our perfect bodies and meet and join with our spirit/soul and so we will be complete and perfect! We are not just spirits floating around in Heaven though, the saints that have gone before us are recognizable.
Heaven is real, a real actual place! Praise God we have so much to look forward to!
Taken as an excerpt from my book, "From Mourning to morning".
Blessings and peace to you, Linda
What is Heaven like, Lord? I fear I do not know, I dream of a beautiful, wondrous place where all will see you face to face! I dream of a castle rising high and of cities shining bright and majestic. Awestruck I walk amazed, enjoyment overflowing. I hope for a place beyond my dreams, where angels will someday take me. I’ll meet my Savior Jesus on a golden street, we will embrace He will tenderly call my name, His eyes will captivate my heart, His smile fill me with delight. Then He will lead me by the hand and I will see him, my beautiful son, DJ strong and bold. My soul longs for your arms wrapped around me, my spirit is filled with delight at the thought. Till then I wait, I hope and dream, home, yes home, I know this place; it’s been in my heart all along, beautiful and wondrous, home where I belong.
Beloved, we are God’s children now; it does not yet appear what we shall be, but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. (1John 3:2)
New Bodies:
(1Corinthians 15:49) And just as we have borne the likeness of the earthly man, so shall we bear the likeness of the Man from Heaven.
1Thessalonians 3:14 For if we believe that that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to by way of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep (died) For the Lord Himself will descend from Heaven with a shout , with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort each other with these words.
Isn't it great, awesome and wonderfully incomprehensible that we will (our bodies) rise up from the grave when Christ returns, our bodies will be transformed into our perfect bodies and meet and join with our spirit/soul and so we will be complete and perfect! We are not just spirits floating around in Heaven though, the saints that have gone before us are recognizable.
Heaven is real, a real actual place! Praise God we have so much to look forward to!
Taken as an excerpt from my book, "From Mourning to morning".
Blessings and peace to you, Linda
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Spirit, Soul and Body
Today I am reminded of the fact that we are so much more then just a body: touch, taste,sight, hearing smell are all sensory and we learn by these receivers.We also recognize each other by our physical appearance but this only one part of us.
We have a soul, which is your mind,will and emotions. We are self-conscious and socially conscious, this is how we reason and think. This is also our personality. So man posses a soul which is in his body, but he is more then just a soul. The third part is spirit, man is spirit, our spirit is the core of our being, the spirit is spiritually conscious, it is the spirit within us that communicates with God. Man is a spirit, who has a soul and lives in a body. When we are born into the sinful state our spirit within us is dead. (Ephesians 2:4-5)
Why is this important to understand? Because it changes everything! If we understand how we are made and who we are then everything else makes sense, when we read God's promises and His truths the light bulbs start to turn on!
Now we must go back to the very beginning, to Adam and Eve to understand. When Adam and Eve chose to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good an evil even though God had warned them not to, they died spiritually and ever since all mankind has been born into that sinful state, void of the Spirit of God and a close intimate relationship with Him.
Every person knows that they are missing something, there is a void that needs to be filled. That void can only be filled with the Spirit of God, until that happens we are searching for a way to fill it through the things of the world; job, money, fun, relationships, accomplishments etc., although these do bring a level of satisfaction they can never truly fill the void or answer the questions; Who am I, what importance do I have and what is my purpose in this world?
It is when we come to know and accept Jesus Christ as our savior from sin that we become filled with the Spirit of God and come back into relationship with Him. We are spiritually alive, 2 Corinthians 5:21 say, "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him". Oh how glorious this is! To know we are righteous, the righteousness of Jesus Christ and have entrance into heaven.
God has a purpose for each and everyone of us the first of course being that we would come back to right relationship with Him. He provided the way through His one and only perfect Son. When we are born-again as Jesus said, we are born of the Spirit. we become who God intended: A spirit that has a soul and lives in a body! If that is true then our inner man or spirit man is who we are. Romans 5:17 says we are holy and righteous, 1 Corinthians 3:1-17 says we are the temple of God and we are holy. Jesus is in us!
Why does this matter to us who have experienced the loss of a loved one, because the spirit and soul live on, when a Christian passes away the body dies but not the soul and spirit, Ephesians 4:30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. That person is very much alive. The person you knew, they are in heaven, there is no doubt about that. I will write in the future about Heaven but for now I want to assure you that your loved one is with all the saints that have gone before them and one day you will join your precious one, meanwhile know that they are in a perfect place, no more hurting or pain, no fear, no loneliness no grieving! They are whole!
We have a soul, which is your mind,will and emotions. We are self-conscious and socially conscious, this is how we reason and think. This is also our personality. So man posses a soul which is in his body, but he is more then just a soul. The third part is spirit, man is spirit, our spirit is the core of our being, the spirit is spiritually conscious, it is the spirit within us that communicates with God. Man is a spirit, who has a soul and lives in a body. When we are born into the sinful state our spirit within us is dead. (Ephesians 2:4-5)
Why is this important to understand? Because it changes everything! If we understand how we are made and who we are then everything else makes sense, when we read God's promises and His truths the light bulbs start to turn on!
Now we must go back to the very beginning, to Adam and Eve to understand. When Adam and Eve chose to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good an evil even though God had warned them not to, they died spiritually and ever since all mankind has been born into that sinful state, void of the Spirit of God and a close intimate relationship with Him.
Every person knows that they are missing something, there is a void that needs to be filled. That void can only be filled with the Spirit of God, until that happens we are searching for a way to fill it through the things of the world; job, money, fun, relationships, accomplishments etc., although these do bring a level of satisfaction they can never truly fill the void or answer the questions; Who am I, what importance do I have and what is my purpose in this world?
It is when we come to know and accept Jesus Christ as our savior from sin that we become filled with the Spirit of God and come back into relationship with Him. We are spiritually alive, 2 Corinthians 5:21 say, "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him". Oh how glorious this is! To know we are righteous, the righteousness of Jesus Christ and have entrance into heaven.
God has a purpose for each and everyone of us the first of course being that we would come back to right relationship with Him. He provided the way through His one and only perfect Son. When we are born-again as Jesus said, we are born of the Spirit. we become who God intended: A spirit that has a soul and lives in a body! If that is true then our inner man or spirit man is who we are. Romans 5:17 says we are holy and righteous, 1 Corinthians 3:1-17 says we are the temple of God and we are holy. Jesus is in us!
Why does this matter to us who have experienced the loss of a loved one, because the spirit and soul live on, when a Christian passes away the body dies but not the soul and spirit, Ephesians 4:30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. That person is very much alive. The person you knew, they are in heaven, there is no doubt about that. I will write in the future about Heaven but for now I want to assure you that your loved one is with all the saints that have gone before them and one day you will join your precious one, meanwhile know that they are in a perfect place, no more hurting or pain, no fear, no loneliness no grieving! They are whole!
Friday, July 30, 2010
July 30th- Today is DJ'S Birthday
My letter to Deej,
Good morning my precious DJ! When I awoke this morning I thought of you, if you were here and home we would have pounced you first thing this morning and sang to you "Happy Birthday"! I think I will sing anyway and just know the Angels are most likely singing right along with me and you are laughing with delight, after all this is the day our Father, God brought you into the world, you are His creation!
Now let me recount who you are with in heaven, Grandma Tanya, Grandma Mimi, Grandpa B. Great Grandma B., Ms. Nelda, Ms. Pam, perhaps even our Abigail (puppy dog) is there with you too. I know of course that you are surrounded with people from all through the ages, saints who I look forward to meeting.
Best of all of course is our LORD, Jesus! Oh to think of you with Jesus fills my heart with delight! To know you are perfect and walking hand in hand with our Lord, oh my son, my precious DJ letting myself picture you there and knowing it is so much more glorious, I praise God for His greatness His glory His favor, His ways are so awesome and His love endures forever!!!
I love you my DJ, I miss you but I know we will truly be together through all of eternity, so for now my sweet one, enjoy your birthday, I love you, I love you ,I love you xoxoxoxoxo
Mom
There is a song I listen to that helps remind me of our home I have posted a few of the lyrics and the youtube video - please listen it is awesome!
we will meet in the Golden City in the New Jerusalem
All our pain and all our tears will be no more We will stand with the hosts of heaven And cry holy is the Lamb We will worship and adore You evermore
I LOVE THIS SONG!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iyMjeVoP8s
Father, I do worship and adore you and praise You, for you are Faithful, You have revealed Your precious Son Jesus to me and saved me. Even though I tried to end it all because I had no hope, you spared me and then opened my eyes to salvation! How great and merciful You are, and now Father I look at my life and know that You always had a purpose for me, I just didn't know it. I look back and say wow Father You are so incredible and salvation has come not only to me but to so many. Look at my life, my family! Thank You, thank you , thank you!!!! I bless you today and know that DJ is safe with You,He was not stolen from me and I did not lose him, he is with You and one day we will be too. I trust You and love you!
Your daughter, Linda
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Suicide
This article is for the family and friends of those who have died from taking their own life. It is not from the perspective of trying to prevent suicide. If you know someone who is dealing with this issue please seek help immediately. There are many great resources on-line for information. I will list some at the end of this blog, also please talk to your Pastor and your doctor.
There is so much said about suicide, the Christian community sometimes looks at it as the unforgivable sin, the world may say it's awful and a shame. I certainly have heard all kinds of sentiments.
I believe looking superficially at suicide brings those kinds of thoughts, instead let's go deeper and look at the person, then God.
A person that takes their own life obviously feels that it is the only way out. Their way of escape from suffering, pain, and fear. These are broad categories purposely because the perception of the cause is not really the issue here. In my opinion the person ultimately takes their own life because they have been deceived: they have believed a lie. The issue or problem has become all encompassing and it has blinded the person to truth.
For example: A husband and father finds out he has cancer. It is aggressive and has spread throughout his body. He thinks: "Ok I am dying anyway, the treatment will cost way too much money, the burden on my wife and kids will be too much, I don't want them to see me suffering and I am dying anyway - so the answer is to take my own life", he concludes. Of course this is wrong thinking. His wife and kids would want every possible moment with him. Money would never be their choice over more time but when a person is thinking only about their current situation, when it has become all encompassing, they may not be able to see the right answer. Feelings are so deceiving aren't they? Circumstances can change like the weather yet we can make a life ending decision based on current circumstances real or perceived.
Wrong thinking - very powerful. The thought becomes the very prison we put ourselves in. The deeper we sink in the thought the more all consuming it becomes and before you know it this thought rules everything. All comes through the filter of this thought and so communication becomes faulty.
I believe a person that takes their own life is so full of wrong thinking that they are not in their right mind. In fact they actually are so consumed with their perceived or real problem and what they think is the only solution they can't hear or see any other way.
When I was 26 years old I was falsely accused of making an error at work and fired, the owner told me if I didn't date his son he would find a reason to fire me, I didn't believe him, but he did it. I was a hard worker, good at what I did, I gave it 110%. I had already been through so much hurt and pain in my life, I kept trying to do the right thing and I always got burned. It seemed to me a waste of time to try anymore because people didn't care. They just took and took and did what ever they wanted to get what they desired. I was at the end, exhausted, fed-up and saw no future for myself. So, I purchased a big bottle of vodka and took every pill in my apartment. I gulped down the vodka while sitting on the floor of my living room apartment. I didn't tell anyone. It was just before Christmas. I eventually passed out. I woke up two days later, of course I had vomited all over. I was so sick I could barely move. There I lay, alone sick and a failure...again! I remember crying out to God, "why won't you just let me die"? I thought death was just death, sleep, rest. I thought God hated me.
I can honestly say, I didn't see another option. When I tried to end my life all that I thought of was peace ( wow, what a lie!) it was I thought my only answer. I wasn't thinking of anyone else.
So was my assessment true? I was fired. It was over something that should have never happened, but the truth is I had my whole life to live. This one incident didn't define who I was, but I couldn't see that.
I felt that I needed to write this because I have met people who have had a loved one commit suicide. Everyone of them whether mother, brother or friend felt that they had failed that person and that they should have been able to prevent it from ever happening. I am saying to you that that person was not able to receive the help you wanted to give. So often the person isolated themselves and wouldn't let anyone know what they were feeling. Even if they did, once a persons mind is made up it is difficult to get them to see truth. I am not saying this can never happen, however; it is very difficult to reach someone who is at this point. Many times you may perceive they are contemplating deep dark thoughts but you don't really know, we can't know what another person is thinking n matter how close we are to them but especially in depression because again, the person has faulty thinking.
How do we deal with such a great loss? So deep is the pain because it is filled with "Why?", "How could they?", "If only, I should have.", the pain is unbearable. This loss seems to cause even more isolation for the family. My heart breaks for those families that are dealing with loss through suicide.
The big question is this: if my loved one committed suicide did they still go to heaven?
In my understanding of the Word of God the answer is, if they had accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior then yes, I believe they did go to heaven. I can make this statement because of the character, the grace and mercy that I have personally come to know as attributes of our Father, I believe I have had this confirmed by books and people that I have great respect for in the Christian world. in fact in Tony Cooke's book, "Life after death", he has the account of Rev. Kenneth E. Hagin's mother who became very sick with depression and tried on many accounts to take her own life. She was a Christian, she was very depressed, she believed it was her way out.
If believing a lie and sinning could separate you from the love of God then we could never have been saved to begin with. God's word says, "while we were yet sinners Christ died for the ungodly". Yes, I said sinned above because taking your own life is most definitely a sin, your life is a precious gift, God has a plan for your life and it is NEVER to end it yourself. Taking your life is murder plain and simple. God's Word says we are not to commit murder, and this stands, however; there are so many levels to pain and depression, I would never try to sum up in a page the struggle of the mind and soul.
God knows, He truly does. So, if a person is saved and falls into depression (through believing a lie or through sickness of the mind) I fully believe they are with Christ in Paradise. So you may ask "what are the consequences?". Well I don't think the consequences are equated to punishment however I do think there will be consequences. Salvation is indescribable, known and fully known, standing before Jesus Christ the Lamb of God! I believe you will then know what you have missed on earth. Your life was meant to be a blessing, you have a purpose, God created you at just the right time and you were born to the right parents to give you the exact DNA that only you have. No one can take your place: no one! You are uniquely designed and you have a purpose. I believe we will know and realize we were deceived. We were taken captive by the enemy and we believed him instead of God.
That thought is where God's great mercy and grace come in once again! Jesus will wipe every tear from our face. We are accepted in the beloved, this is grace; so beautiful, so undeserved. This is LOVE. Nothing can separate us from the love of God!
When I think of pain I can't help but think of the God who hears and sees and loves. He knows exactly where you are in your pain. There is nothing hidden from His sight. Remember that God the Father sent His precious Son Jesus Christ to take the sin of the world upon Himself. He suffered a horrible death. He was crucified, He was tortured, He was abandoned, He was betrayed. Crucification was the most painful, horrible way to die...and the Father chose to let His Son do this as payment for our sin. Because of LOVE, His great indescribable love for us, He created us and desires to be in relationship with us.
When sin came in we were separated from God who is Holy and Righteous; there was a division, a separation from our Creator and He had to make a way for us to be restored into holiness and righteousness so He made Him who knew no sin to become sin that we might become the righteousness of Christ. God the Father watched as His precious holy righteous Son willingly laid down His life that we might have life!
When sin came in we were separated from God who is Holy and Righteous; there was a division, a separation from our Creator and He had to make a way for us to be restored into holiness and righteousness so He made Him who knew no sin to become sin that we might become the righteousness of Christ. God the Father watched as His precious holy righteous Son willingly laid down His life that we might have life!
So, the Father knows pain, He knows grief, He knows what you are suffering and He is able to bring healing to your broken heart, in fact one of His names in Scripture is Jehovah-Rapha: "The God who heals". One of the ways He heals us is by His Word. "He sent His word and healed His people". The word of God is different than any other word: it is supernatural! God-breathed, God inspired. Because the word is TRUTH - it is LOVE - it is power and strength. God's word has the ability to open our understanding when we read it and hear it and do it! The Spirit of God leads us into all truth. He reveals faulty thinking and shows us the truth. Praise God, His word is called the balm (medicine) of Gilead!
May our Lord Jesus Christ bless you, with love, Linda
Resources for help in preventing suicide: Please speak to your Doctor and/or Pastor - here are some links:http://peoplepreventsuicide.org/
Monday, July 26, 2010
DJ's birthday
This Friday is DJ's birthday, he would have been 20 years old. Hard for me to imagine him at twenty in some ways and then again I have Derek who just turned 21 June 27th and David who turned 18 Feb. 26th.
David just asked me the other day, "was DJ a combination of me and Derek"? My reply was yes both in personality and looks, so I suppose I do have an idea of how our DJ would look now, tall like Derek and broad like David, brown eyes like mama's and curly light brown hair. Both Derek and Dave have million dollar smiles and I remember DJ could turn a frown upside down in a NY minute!
Douglas Jacob Blechinger passed away March 13th, 1995 he was 4 1/2 years old. Just a child, yet he added so much to our lives. I remember his steadfastness, he knew he was sick, he knew he was different, he knew he would die sooner then his brothers. He fought a hard battle, his little heart worked so very hard. DJ had seven surgeries in his almost five years on earth. he suffered allot, those are difficult memories.
I remember his smile, his eyes big and brown, his hair, I remember him perfectly. I remember the sound of his voice and his precious expressions. He was quick to laugh, but very serious at times, he was bright and ingenious in so many ways. DJ spoke about Jesus and angels as though everyone saw what he did, he loved the Lord, he never doubted not even at the end, in fact I believe the Lord so often times comforts his children and takes them by the hand as they enter into the heavenlies. I have been with several people as they passed and it is always such an incredible sense of holiness, for them and for those who are sensitive to the Spirit.
Oh I miss him terribly, my heart still aches at times and I think it will until we are reunited again. That is so comforting to know, heaven is a real place, not a fairy tale but an actual place and we really will be reunited! What a day that will be as the song goes, what a day of rejoicing that will be!
I will make a plan to celebrate DJ's birthday perhaps it will be Saturday though, sometimes we all write him a letter and send them up attached to balloons. This time I might save them instead, we will all talk and decide.
I hope this helps those of you who are reading this blog.
Blessings and peace, Linda
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Walking through grief
When I first wrote my book, "From Mourning to Morning", I knew other people around me had obviously experienced loss but I never realized how as humans it is a binding experience. When we share our grief with each other the reality of these deep emotions connect us on a level few other experiences do.
I have heard from so many people over the years, some who have experienced the loss of a loved one years before others who have just walked this path and still others who know a loved one is close to dying and so they are grieving although their loved one is still alive.
Grief can be all encompassing, every thought, feeling, reaction, even the physical expression of grieving is so intense. Sometimes our grief takes us into a very deep dark place and we can feel as though we are physically sinking or falling or even being sucked down into a vortex. I remember laying on my bed after DJ's funeral was over, I closed my eyes and I was frozen, I couldn't move, I was weightless, I could hear every sound perfectly but I couldn't move or speak. It was terrifying, I remember crying out in my mind. "Jesus help me!" finally it broke and I just cried and cried in the arms of my husband.
I was exhausted in every possible way, not only feeling my own grief but all the people that were there for the funeral, I could see the pain and hurt in their eyes, I wanted to comfort them and perhaps in ways I did but I needed to shut down and so my mind said "OFF" and that's what I did, shut down. I slept that night for a few hours which is what I needed.
When I hear friends saying what is wrong with me I can't move on I always say, your not supposed to move on but through grief. There is no jumping over it or ducking under it you must walk through it! This is where psalm 91 means so much, "Yea thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.
In other words, Jesus our great Shepherd will guide us through it, we will not stay in the valley of the shadow of death but we must walk through it.
I bless you with peace, Linda
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)