When my heart aches...

Some times I just miss him, my desire to see DJ again, to hear him, to touch him. I miss him and my heart aches.

The day was fine in fact it was a good, productive and lively, an all around good day! I came home and suddenly realized that I missed my dog Abby who used to great me every time I came through the door no matter how many times a day. Abby left us just two months ago, she was a part of our family for 16 years. I walked up the stairs and into my room, hello's were spoken to Dan and Dave and I changed into Pj's and then realized, I miss Abby but I also miss my Deej. I wish I could walk into his room and sit on the bed and talk to him I thought, sadness filled my heart and tears my eyes. I tried to shake it off and start thinking of tasks but as I went to the kitchen to begin dinner I remembered how this has happened before; relating one loss to another, it was Derek our oldest son.

When Derek moved out four years ago I felt that same sense of loss, I worked very hard to ensure Derek didn't feel my sadness after all going away to college is fun and exciting and I wanted to make sure he didn't feel the depth of sadness I was feeling. I tried my best, I thought of every great aspect of Derek beginning his new life, spreading his wings and I really was excited and happy for him but oh my it was a huge emotional hurdle for me and I know it was a challenging time in reality for all of us. The first month was ok, even though I cried like every mom the day we brought him to the dorm and said our good-byes. I really missed him, just knowing he was sleeping in his bed gave me a deep sense of peace at night and now I had to work really hard when I started feeling like he was "gone" to remember he was just at college, not gone as in never to see him on earth. I had to speak the truth to myself.

I remember one day though about eight months after Derek had gone to college. I didn't hear from him for about a month and then he called and said "hi mom" and I lost it! I cried and cried, poor Derek my precious tender hearted son said, "mom I'm coming home this weekend!". It was almost comical because as soon as he said those words I realized I was transferring my grief my sense of loss from deep within my heart to Derek because he was away at college, and I started apologizing and saying, "no, I'm really fine you don't need to come home". He came home anyway and just held me when he came through the door, I cried and he said, "mom, I miss you too it's ok, you don't have to apologize for missing me."

I guess this entire blog is about real life - Grief is in my heart because I love my DJ and I always will, I do miss him and when other events in life happen they perhaps evoke emotions from deep within. I don't stay in this place, I certainly don't walk around thinking of how much I miss DJ every day but the truth is for the rest of my life here on earth I will miss him, Dan will miss him and his brothers will think of the place DJ should be. Life itself will remind all of us of his absence.
We continue on though, we live life and look forward to the future. I am excited for Derek and for David and REALLY look forward to the days ahead for them, marriage, families it will be so very sweet and during those times a part of me will miss DJ that is just the truth. I will remember DJ is very aware of all that is happening here on earth and will be celebrating right along with us, he will be cheering us on!

I will hold onto the truths that I know from God's word, His promises and rest in His Faithfulness. One day we will be reunited and all will be well and for now I can say, it is well with my soul.