Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Another birthday passes.

Well this year's birthday has come and gone. July 30th DJ would have been 21, a milestone year. In some ways I may have felt more at peace this year then many of the past years. When I thought of DJ as a young man of 21 years I pictured a strong healthy, sandy and curly haired grinning young man with that twinkle in his eye as though he held a secret delight in his heart.
This time though I had a strange sense that this is what he really looks like, in heaven of course.

My heart always sings a bit when I think of him this way and all at the same time my eyes fill with tears.

David and his girlfriend Sarah came with Dan and I as we went to the cemetery to replace faded flowers. we lingered for a bit dusting off the marker and rearranging one more time the small remembrance before we prayed and left for home.

I wished Derek and Rachel were with us but of course they are far away across the country. I sometimes long for Derek's embrace and to hear his voice but on this day in-particular his absence was difficult and although Rachel never knew DJ, somehow I think she knows him because she loves Derek so well.

God is so good, He truly is, He comforts those who mourn, He promises to meet us in our need and He ALWAYS fulfills His Word. I remembered an old hymn just as I was trying to clear my mind and O how the peace of the lord filled me...

O how I love Jesus, O how I love Je-sus, O how I love Jesus, because he first loved me.
How beautiful, how simple, how wonderful! God is faithful!

Friday, December 17, 2010

The holidays

The holidays have passed and the routine of every day life has set back in. I love to celebrate the holidays Christmas is so special to me and my family we really sort of celebrate the entire month of December ending of course with the New Year celebration. This year was no exception we had a wonderful time together and I am so thankful.

Because of the loss of our son, DJ I am always keenly aware of families that have had a recent loss. In fact during this season I have heard of six people who passed away. As I was preparing for last minute gifts and plans for the holidays I was absolutley struck by the contrast of joyous celebration and the deep pain and grief of death during this time.

I have been praying of course for these precious families, some have expererienced the loss of a young person, some the loss of a grandparent, a mother. My heart grieves for them.

I remember how difficult it was during the spring of 1995, Easter drew near and the children were of course getting excited. Churches prepared to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus I remember feeling at times that everything, all celebration should cease at least for that first year but I knew that Easter would indeed arrive and that it was good after all we were celebrating the very source of eternal life and acknowledging what God has done for us!

I felt as though I would betray my son if I really allowed myself to celebrate but as we went through the motions of coloring eggs and preparing baskets, I began to focus on Jesus and slowly God began a work in me. I saw crocuses peeping through the soil, white blossoms beginning on some trees, hope began to also spring up in me. Jesus is all about new life, new beginnings.

I began to let myself hear the birds singing and although my heart was still very heavy there was hope and hope brings forth healing.

My prayer for these families is that during the Christmas season Jesus was let in to their hearts, just a small seed is all it takes, He will be faithful to cause healing and to bring comfort, He will reveal truth and encompass them with peace.

O precious Lord, bless and keep them, surround them with your perfect love, carry them through this dark time and bring them once again into your healing presence. I love You Lord and I am so thankful for all You have brought us through, I pray you bless these families in exactly the way You know will strengthen them.

Thank you Father, in the Name above every name; Jesus

Monday, December 13, 2010

All the pieces

I find myself reflective this morning, sitting here at my computer early in the morning, it is a cold winters day, Dec. 13th.
As I work on my laptop I sit at my little kitchen table next to the window. Today I can hear the wind blowing and I occassionally look up to admire the swaying trees. It's funny how I watch the seasons from this window how many years now? sixteen. As I write today, December of 2010 change is coming and I am feeling the cold of winter

Typically at this time of year as Christmas approaches I am pretty joyous in celebrating my saviors birth as I have said before there is a small piece of me that longs to celebrate with my DJ too. How I wish we were all together....

My emtotions are running high, Derek will be leaving in three weeks and my heart can hardly stand it and I begin to miss him although he is still present. I find myself saying the same words I have spoken before; "just focus on the present he is still with us right now." Staying in the here and now I think is more difficult for women, men seem to compartmentalize to a higher degree than women, they can soley focus on what they are doing at the time, women connect everything together and really have to work at seperating what they are truly feeling about the current situation, sometimes we can get lost in emotion. I for one have learned to write my thoughts down, this has been an indespensible tool for understanding my emotions.

So, Derek is leaving home, he is leaving Georgia and he is moving across the country 3,000 miles away. I am quite mixed in my emotions I will miss him tremendously. I am also excited for them, I know Rachel needs to be where her industry is and it will be good for her. I will just miss them so much. The telephone and skype are wonderful tools to stay connected and do bring a level of comfort but my struggle is truly of this seperation, when he went to Toccoa Falls it wasn't that bad, I cried of course but we settled down and saw each other enough that we were still connected, this however is truly "leaving". UGH, I feel sick.... only one thing to do and I know it very well, I suspect I will have to keep going to the Father about this until finally peace comes in like a warm fire.

As I write I realize I must surrender, I always do end up comming back to this - surrender. My life is not my own, when I became born-again I died to self and became a new creation in Christ Jesus. So if I live, I live in Christ and if I die, I die in Christ.

I know that sounds dramatic and it is. when Jesus laid down His life for me it was to take away my sin and He accomplished this incredible work at the cross but Jesus did not stay on the cross, nor did He stay in that grave. He rose from the grave and He is alive forever more. Jesus Christ the Son of God. This is so amazing He is alive, and He promised to all of us who believe in Him eternal life and the life is IN HIM!!!

God has provided for us salvation....and power. When Jesus ascended to the Father in heaven He promised a helper would come and He did, Holy Spirit filled the people who believed in Jesus so that we would truly be born-again! We are made NEW! I am a new creation and that is why my life is not my own.

So, I ask my Lord; "help me through this time Lord, direct my mind, my heart and emotions. Strengthen me where I am weak and humble me where I am prideful. I ask for Your will Lord, not my own because I trust You, I love You, You and You alone are worthy of all honor and praise!
I give Derek to You Father, I fully trust You to keep him and protect him and I know You have plans for Derek's life, they are good plans and I will rejoice knowing he also loves You! Bless Derek and Rachel Lord God, keep them in Your perfect care."


And there you have it the whole picture of me surrendering myself to the Lord. This is a continual process, as I said before quoting the Apostle Paul, "I die daily."

One day I will see the tapestry of life as a finished incredible piece of art, but for now I am a piece in the puzzle, I fit perfectly where the Lord has chosen, Dan, DJ, Derek and Dave all fit perfectly too and I can rest and be confident in that becasue God is faithful!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

working to complete the new edition of Mourning to Morning

Well the time has come for completion! This weekend Cheryl and I are going to steal away two days for writing and organizing the final version of the book! I am so excited! Dan has written a whole chapter and I feel that the book will finally be a work I am 100% proud of.

I have had many friends ask for the new version and the local bookstore ask for a completion date. I hope to have a final product by the new year!

I think the timing is perfect, the mountains will be a place that we can fully concentrate, I am anticipating lots of reading, writing and crying. Christmas is always emotional for me (or at least the time leading up to it) because I have many memories of DJ just before his final surgery at Christmas time.
He told me he was going to miss us and that Jesus told him he was going to come to Him soon, that was right here where I am currently sitting in my kitchen. so sweet are the memories and at the same time a sadness comes. I remember so well, I also remember making Christmas cookies and decorations, I remember Christmas carols and family time. Three little ones comes with lots of excitement at Christmas.

I love you Deej, you are always in my heart!

"Lord help me to finish well"
Linda

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Trip to visit Dad

Labor Day brought my husband, sons; Derek and David and me to New Mexico to visit my Father. It was a special time and I felt really good about us making the trek.

While we were flying over the Rockies, for a layover in Colorado I was struck with the timelessness of the rockies, of the sky and the heavens. At one point I just started to get so emotionally full thinking about the greatness of God and how mighty our God is. How awesome to know He has created all things and by Him all things are held toegther! I felt prepared for the second leg of the trip and I loved having my three guys with me.

We arrived in Alburqurque greeted by a typical day of sunshine and breezes, I forgot how brown everything is there even though it is the dessert, we picked up our car and checked into the hotel, then off we drove to see Dad.

When we arrived at the house Dad and family came outside to greet us and we sat around for a while and chatted. Dad looked suprisingly well and didn't hesitate to show us his newest war wound; an extensive scar from just under his collar bone to below the sternum. I couldn't believe how well he had healed. Dad is 77 years old, third heart attack and a diabetic so I was expecting a pretty down and out guy. Ha, I should have known better, he is afighter that's for sure and a joker all the way.

Some how through the jokes and converstaion I could sense that he was assesing his life and wondering what the future holds. His wife Claire is also quite ill with cancer and undergoing chemo for the second time. the prognosis isn't good. Dad cried several times and couldn't finish his thoughts at times because emotions overtook him. It was odd seeing this man who was tough as nails revealing his inner man to us, fear of the unknown was gripping his heart. We tried to assure him we were there for him and if he wanted or needed to move in with us we would arrange it but you know at one point Dad looked at those mountains and again with tears in his eyes said. " I love seeing those mountains". I don't think he will ever move to Georgia to be with us, I think he wants to stay in New Mexico. That was a good realization for me.

Dad is such and interesting fellow, he was and is a character, a ladies man, carefree in so many ways. A blue collar worker, an entreprenaur, a fighter, sportsman, and warrior. Independent in everyway and when he makes a decision he sticks with it right wrong or indifferent. Sometimes now he looks back and has regrets but you know I told him, "Dad, you did what you thought you had to do. We all make mistakes don't we? No one is perfect, letting go of these things is so important to having peace."

It seems to me the things Dad is really thinking about right now is how many people did he help during his life, what did he contribute to others. He told us some stories of letters he had received lately from men that once years ago Dad had encouraged or helped in some way, they were letters of thanks, I am happy to say he was and is an encourager and he would give you the shirt off his back. Dad didn't have the opportunity to go to school but he is a smart man, he is a researcher and once he says he is going to master something he doesn't quit until it is mastered. But he is most delighted in the people he touched, I guess we all get to this point in our lives and I believe we really all come to the same conclusion; How well did I love others?

I didn't know my dad that well growing up, little time periods here and there and then spent two months with him when I was sixteen. We didn't really stay in contact until I was married and had my boys. Then I read in scripture that I was supposed to honor my Father and Mother and so I decided to make ammends. I am so glad that I did. The past 20 years have been a blessing to me and my family, as I look at the man who just had triple by-pass heart surgery I can honestly say I think he is a special man and I am thankful God made me his daughter. I hope and pray we have him around a long time still, I pray he truly comes to know Jesus as Lord and Savior before he leaves this earth because I want to really know him, I want to have all of eternity to truly know my dad to spend endless days listening to his stories and hearing him laugh. Won't that be awesome!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Rainy Days

Sometimes my emotions are stormy, my thoughts can hit like lightening a memory that sparks an emotional whirlwind. For the last few days there has been rain, heavy rain pounding down into the ground, water relentlessly beating down as though demanding entrance. Adamantly storming one day, two days and now three days.

I don't want to venture out because it's pouring; "raining cats and dogs". The weather can have such an effect on us especially when it's raining, it makes one want to stay inside and this can bring a time of introspection.

It just so happens during the last couple of days along with the rain it seems once more my family and I are facing the possibility loss, my dad had to have emergency open heart surgery, a triple by-pass.

Thankfully he pulled through but we all must face the fact that this is his third heart attack, having diabetes and reaching 76 years all adds up to a wake up call, time to go see dad. So, I am looking for tickets and trying to arrange schedules and praying for dad and his family so far away
.
I think of looking into his eyes and hearing his laugh, his contagious laugh and seeing his great smile and it makes me smile too.

We haven't had the time we wanted together but no matter, the time gone by, it is the time in front of us that matters most now. I am praying we all get to see him and spend time with him. So I turn my attention to the truth, he is alive right now and for that I am deeply grateful. It is not a time to mourn, the rain has stopped and I see the sun peeking through.

My dad, Dan O'Connor is a fantastic man, full of ideas and life, a true entrepreneur in every sense of the word. He is one of those larger than life fellows. Never rich in the worlds terms but he sure touches a lot of people. Dad is an encourager, I can hear him say, "Go get'em tiger", or "you can do anything you set your mind to" to my boys Derek and David. He calls my husband fantastic Dan because he says Dan could change the world and you know I think he is right! Than again he would would say that to you too if you met him and you know I think he would be right about that too!

Blessings, Linda

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted

when Jesus was speaking to this vast audience He spoke directly to their need, and because His Word is living and active, it speaks to you and me today in just the same way as it did over 2000 years ago, read these precious words:

Blessed are the poor in spirit (one who is broken, who is destitute of spirit) for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (A promise with eternal surety)

Blessed are the gentle( the meek and humble, those who have realized they need a Savior and that their own righteousness is not enough), for they shall inherit the earth.This is the new perfect beautiful earth!

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,for they shall be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad , for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

These my friends are promises straight from the mouth of Jesus. His perspective was a heavenly, eternal one.

When I start to focus too intensely on the hurts and pains the sufferings of this world I go back to my Lord, His words are life, hope and light. I remember His promises which are sure and true!

This is not the final destination, our home, our eternal home is yet to come for us. God knows it all, He understands our hurt and pain and He is with us through it.

The Lord gave us these promises so that we would not lose heart. Great and awesome things are just on the horizon!

Be blessed and walk in peace and assurance today my friend. God is faithful to complete His promises!

Love, Linda